Nilma Dole in her article titled Menage a Trois on the Sunday Observer on the 20th of January, narrates the “true story” told to her by a macho man about one of his sexual escapades. This (not-so) brilliant attempt by Nilma at feature writing with a dash of erotica proves several things to me, including the fact that Nilma and her “source” have found the perfect solution for the Sri Lankan ethnic conflict, and for some of the key problems the country is facing today.

Since this is quite a long post, I’ll cut it short for those of you who want to end it quickly. Nilma’s (lame excuse for an) article narrates the experiences of a young man who had a threesome. In it, he states “Being with two more makes you feel more concerned and sensitive to their needs.” Which, if I use much cruder terms would translate to “If you fuck two or more at the same time”.

And this is where I had my ingenious idea! One big Sri Lankan Peace Orgy (OBSLPO).

An OBSLPO where everybody fucks everybody would give everybody a chance to be concerned and more sensitive to everybody else’s needs. And the Norwegians can come and watch, and facilitate by means of providing lubricants and rubber.

But hang on. Haven’t that 225 been fucking us all this time? Hmm… That means they’re already sensitive to our needs, or the guy Nilma quotes is completely off track.

Addendum: Since I was in a bit of a stalky mood, I Googled her and facebooked her. Seems she’s on both, and has what’s called an “open” facebook profile. Means stalkers like me can go and randomly check the whole profile out. And I quote from her “About Me” part,

“I love Journalism and am one of the only slang writers in Sri Lanka who speaks the truth!”

Out of sheer morbid curiosity, how can you be one of the only? I think the corrected version on her profile should read “I love to pretend tat I’m a Journalist, and am the only semi-crap erotica writer in Sri Lanka who talks cock!”

Anywhos, read on.

And before I start on my fantastic voyage, some level of credit should go to a half-witted, half-judgmental half-doctor for showing me the way to the article.

So, let’s start the slaughter. And yes, for those of who are planning on commenting at the end of the post, saying I’m biased and harsh and cynical and mean and all that, I am. Because of the hypocrisy and the lack of common sense and direction of the Observer Editor, and because Nilma has contributed to a very discriminating, disempowering and sexist piece of writing. I’ve honestly seen porn flicks which give women more respect.

Many would open their mouths in shock and horror at this French word also called a group of three people. Even those elderly folk with conservative ideals and hush-hush talk would find this article very appaling. However, in this modern age, we shouldn’t turn a blind eye to all that is happening around us.

Stupid point Nilma. Many of us don’t know French. But credit to you for figuring out that people will find this article appalling. Point of clarification here, it’s not the concept of a threesome that people will find appalling, it’s the article. And since you haven’t done your bit of research, let me do it for you. Menage a Trois was the theme for the 1932 Noel Coward play, Design for Living. And threesoms have been there ever since man discovered it, and there is evidence such as paintings, literary references etc to prove that.

Often those narrow-minded thinkers would regard the taboo word as a horrendous thing that only happened in brothels and VIP hotels where only floozies indulged in this practice. However nowadays, don’t be surprised if you find your own child or spouse maybe being part of this new ‘in-thing’ without your knowledge.

This is not an “in thing” darling. It’s just a thing. And no, it’s not being narrow minded. And erm, what the hell is a VIP hotel?

Of course, it can be due to various reasons, from experimenting sexually with oneself to doing something memorable just before marriage. It can also be with certain special people or can be for some fun.

Can’t argue with you on that one, as sex (in whatever form) can be, and is, for a whole lot of reasons. And since I’m not judgmental, I don’t care why people have sex. Although the “certain special people” part IS a bit confusing.

I first enountered my first three group thing when I was touring abroad as the result of participating in sporting activities I did at college. Being all young and experimental in those days, I ventured and sought to finally do it as the ultimate experience I could ever get abroad. I, like my peers felt that doing it in Sri Lanka wasn’t ‘ethical’ and so was quite thrilled at these exciting prospects.

It’s called a threesome, not a “three group thing“. Since there is a word for it, USE IT. And erm, if a threesome is the “ultimate experience” you can get from abroad, I advise you not to do any more traveling abroad. Cos the beaches of Maldives at sunset, the food in Pakistan and the Taj Mahal can be “mind blowing” too. And I’m surprised at your sense of ethics changing depending on your geographical location.

It started with partying really hard into the wee hours of the morning. Yet it was quite dark and I finally chatted up with two women or ‘chicks’ as I referred whom I met at the nightclub. They were foreigners too and that made it even better and less guilty. Basically my thoughts were, we were visitors and we had the right to have fun in a foreign land.

And so the sexism and judging begins. Drunk women are easy lays, especially if they are foreign and at a nightclub at wee hours of the morning. And visitors have the right to have fun in a foriegn land. Probably why we Sri Lankan here in Sri Lanka live lousy lives.

As a macho man, I have this thing against being with a woman in the presence of a nude man. It ruins my candour and also makes me feel degraded fearing the competition around. So I jumped at the opportunity of taking these lovely ladies back to my hotel room.

He he… Macho? Seems like monkey praising his own tail. But your inferioriy complex shines through, when you state your fears of having competition around. And you’re being judgmental again, as you assume that women don’t feel competition. You’re making them appear as lifeless sex objects which you can take back to your hotel room.

We opened a bottle of champagne compliments of the hotel and I turned on the stereo filling the place with soothing Jazz music. The women were good friends and told me that they got along fine and it was definitely not their first experience.

As a personal favour, I’d love to have the name of that hotel so I can stay there if I ever travel to that country. Cos none of the hotels I’ve ever stayed in has given me complementary champagne. Hell, I haven’t even got a complimentary bottle of Sprite. Erm, better leave the James Bond fantasies out of newspapers.

So I thought to myself that I was lucky to be in the company of experienced women even though in the back of my mind, I feared ‘would they judge me by my performance and most importantly, will I be good?’

Now now, you are the “Macho” man right? Why do you even think of doubting your “capabilities”?

I didn’t have time to worry about that, because these ladies went down straight to business telling that they didn’t have much time to waste.

I was actually a tad bit clueless but I played along. There was alot of vigourous activity from both sides and me, be being a real player on field and off it, played my role in this drama.

Coming to this part,

1. I think you’re lying through your teeth, but hey! That’s just me.
2. I didn’t know that the Sunday Observer published erotica! I should buy it more often.
3. And erm, vigorous activity from both sides, and you being a “real player” ya? O-kay then.

It blew my mind, seriously! I was thinking to myself that I really was the luckiest person of the moment and I remember I wished this euphoric feeling would last forever. And even if it did finish, I’d savour it for my whole life. The experience was amazing and I really was happy I did it.

Since you seem to have enjoyed it, good for you. But this is where the really worrying and hypocritical stuff begins, which I’m going to quote in whole, and respond in whole.

I don’t believe that such a thing could ruin anyone’s life and make them bad in any way. However, as a person with values, I strongly advise everyone NOT to indulge in it once you get married or have a steady partner since it only brings you a feeling of guilt.

I was young and it helped me understand more about myself. Ideally, it has helped me understand about the effects and joys of the opposite sex better. Being with two more makes you feel more concerned and sensitive to their needs. Even though you can’t satisfy both of them together you can at least try and they will naturally go with the flow.

The rest will eventually fall in place. I have no regrets.

Today I lead a wonderful marital life and my spouse is an understanding and a caring partner. I am happy I did it and finished it all when I was young. And it was alright I think in my view that I did it and experienced it once and for all instead of cheating on my partner.

I’ve questioned your values before, and I’m going to question your “values” again. This is NOT because you had a threesome. I’m a strong believer that what happens between informed consenting adults, should remain their prerogative. So I don’t have the right, nor will I judge you on your sex life. However, I will question your sense of value, as it seems to be based more on you being judgmental, than of logical values.

Since it apparently made you understand more about yourself, good for you. It helped me understand more about you as well. It showed me that you’re sexist, hypocritical, judgmental, and that you’re an ego-centric wannabe. And it also shows me that you think only you can satisfy women in a threesome, that only penetration can give pleasure, and that you’re under the false assumption that you’re a sex god. Geez!

And then you become even more judgmental and ego centric. You’re probably the type of man that Sach refers to as a person who can’t be called a male chauvinistic pig, becuase that would be an insult to pigs. You’re the type that says “do whatever you want, and when you get married to a nice woman, all your sins would be forgiven”. You’re and insult to all men, and don’t think I’m a woman writing this, cos I’m not. Last time I checked (which was about an hour ago when I went to the loo) I was a man.

You’re a sad little creature, and Nilma is an even sadder creature for writing that lame excuse for an article.