Ghosts of Girlfriends Past

Genres:     Comedy
Running Time:     1 hr. 55 min.
Release Date:     May 1st, 2009 (wide)
MPAA Rating:     PG-13 for sexual content throughout, some language and a drug reference.
Distributors:     Warner Bros. Pictures Distribution

Starring:       Matthew McConaughey, Jennifer Garner, Breckin Meyer, Lacey Chabert, Robert Forster
Directed by:     Mark Waters
Produced by:     Mark Waters, Marcus Viscidi, Jessica Tuchinsky

Good morning, Connor. Versace is on 1.
Okay.
Clear out. – Good, good, good. Oh, I like this.
Okay, ladies, do not look at me or the camera.
Just keep doing what you do. On three. One, two, three.
All right. Reset, I’ll be right back. Pull the backlight down, and stop.
And more martinis around. Nice work, gentlemen.
Connor wants a re-light on one. We’re moving to Stage 2.
<i>And the Vanity Fair cover is waiting on two.
Oh, hey, you. – Hi, Mr. Mead.
Hey. Good morning, ladies.
So do you wanna have dinner with us after?
I’d love to, but I can’t.
I’m booked solid, ladies. But I will find you, okay?
Okay.
You want me to book them?
Yes. – Bye.
- Separately or together? – Yes. Ha, ha.
- Good morning, Kalia. Hello.
I’m Connor Mead.
- You’re ravishing. – Well, thank you.
Stand here, please.
All right.
Let’s get started. Get rid of the green screen.
- Um, let’s cozy up. Give me key light. – Wha?…
- Bring it over and down six inches. – Excuse me, what are you doing?
And keep the set medic on cue just in case. Can I have the, um?
Apples.
- This is my wardrobe. – That’s the one. Oh, an ode to Billy Tell.
I just wanna let you know that I’m a huge fan.
Likewise. I mean, I’m not 12 years old and tone-deaf, so I don’t like your music…
…but I really dig your look.
Can we come here and strengthen up these eyebrows a touch?
- Stay right there. Stay right there. – So this is it?
This is the picture?
- I’m half naked with an apple on my head. – Yes, you are.
<i>This is the cover of Vanity Fair from the great Connor Mead?
Well, not quite.
I’d like to introduce you to Kako Tatsumi. She’s a Japanese archery champion.
She’s gonna be helping us out today.
And you have nothing to fear. She placed sixth in Beijing.
Are you joking?
Is he?… Is he joking?
Kalia, chin down, eyes here, arms to your side.
- Somebody tell me he’s joking. Don’t move.
Kako, on my count.
She didn’t even medal!
Just listen to my music.
I am more than my look. I am.
Sweetie, you are already gorgeous.
Why do you need to be good at two things, huh?
Connor.
- Need your select on the mayor’s proofs. – Now?
And I’m juggling three of your buddies…
…on iChat. – Does she knock?
Sorry. You told me to make sure you were on the road by 2.
Why?
Your brother’s wedding in Newport?
- That’s today? The rehearsal dinner’s tonight…
…at your Uncle Wayne’s old estate. – Oh, God, I gotta get up there.
And I have Kiki, Charlece and Nadja on your IM. They keep calling.
- Nadja. Remind me who Nadja is again? – Nadja was dinner Friday night.
- Right. Very pretty girl. Didn’t say much. – She’s Romanian. Barely speaks English.
Well, that explains it. Scan these to Mike right away.
I am a touch busy, if you could take care of those calls, I’d appreciate it.
No. No way. I’m not breaking up with girls for you, Connor.
That’s where I draw the line. I believe in karma.
Okay.
- Conference them. Conference them?
Conference them. Oh, no, you wouldn’t.
Oh, yes, I would.
They’re conferenced. Click here to disconnect.
<i>- Hello, ladies, it’s Connor Mead. Hi, Connor.
<i>- Hi. – Whoa, is there anyone else on the line?
Listen, I’m sincerely pressed for time right now, so I’m gonna…
Well, I’m gonna have to do this in bulk. Um…
It’s not gonna work out for us.
<i>- Wait, are you kidding me? – What?
<i>Tell me you’re not breaking up with me on a conference call.
<i>KIKl: But I thought things were going great. You are a womans hater.
<i>Connor Mead hates womans.
No, no, no, I love womans. I mean, “women,” all right?
I love all women. That’s the problem here.
<i>No. The problem is you date a girl for two weeks, get her to fall in love with you…
<i>He takes the love and he hoard it, like a miser.
Jesus, doesn’t anyone just wanna have fun anymore?
I like to have fun.
All right, then don’t listen to these ladies. They are crazy.
<i>We can still hear you when you cover the camera, you know.
<i>- Right. – Emotionally retarded.
<i>- You really need therapy. – You stupid boy.
Ladies, it sounds like you have an awful lot to discuss, okay?
So I’m gonna jump off, but feel free to keep talking, okay?
Kiki, Nadja, Charlece, I had an amazing time with each one of you.
I wish you all the best.
<i>- Goodbye. KIKl: No, we are not done…
You really are as bad as they say.
Oh, no, dear, I am just a little bit worse.
Of course, you’d never treat me that way, right?
No. I just did that for you. I’m cleaning my plate for the main course.
You’re the biggest jerk ever. In fact, you’re even famous for it.
No, really, why am I doing this?
Well, it usually has something to do with your father.
Oh, please. I’ve never even met my father.
Well, come to papa.
Okay, here we go.
This will have gone like clockwork, so at 1529 I will say:
“You may kiss the bride. ”
Oh, we should practice that, shouldn’t we?
Oh, God. – Paulie. Hey.
- Connor. Go around. Yeah.
He came.
- He came. – He came.
What’s wrong? – What?
Well, you and all but one of my bridesmaids have slept with him…
…so he can’t be that bad, right? – No.
- Jenny, soothe the nervous bride. – Oh, it’s fine.
Hey.
Connor.
- Good to see you. Yeah. – You made it.
- You look great. – Thank you, man.
What do you think about what we did to Uncle Wayne’s old karate dojo?
Whoa. – I’m psyched.
I didn’t think you were gonna make the rehearsal.
Well, I wanted to get here early…
…make sure you had time to think about our last conversation.
You know, the one about marriage, love, never-ending lifelong monogamy?
Yes, I definitely thought about it.
- You did? Good, good. – Yes, I did.
If you’re having second thoughts, here’s the key to my Jag.
You give me the word, I’ll block.
- Oh, my God, you’re serious. – You’re damn right.
Man, I’ll do anything for you. Who’s got your back, huh?
Hey, it’s you and me against the world, right?
Why is he giving him keys?
- Why’s he giving him keys? – Oh, I bet he’s giving you a car.
- I’m just gonna go check on that. – Okay.
Connor, we’ve talked about this. I wanna get married. I love Sandra.
- You say that now, okay? – Everything okay here, guys?
Because we’re still, you know, rehearsing.
- Jenny Perotti. – Connor Mead.
- I’ll be damned. – That’s probably true.
- Hey, the bride’s unsupervised. – I’m on it.
- Buddy, we’re not done talking about this. – Done talking about what?
- Options. – Options.
Yeah, listen to me, Connor.
This is the biggest weekend in Sandy’s life. If you detract from her wedding…
…I will sneak into your room and cut off your favorite appendage.
Now, the first part sounds nice.
I can make it look like an accident. Don’t push me.
Just try to be supportive. Normal. Just not a train wreck for once.
- I’ll be on my best behavior. That worries me.
I will, I’ll be supportive. Whatever.
- Really? Yes.
Come on.
See? I knew there wouldn’t be any weirdness between you two.
- Connor, you remember Sandra? – Yes, I do. How are you, Sandra?
You know, it’s not too late to get out, gorgeous.
He’s joking.
And you know the bridesmaids.
Oh, yes, I do. Deena, Donna. How are you?
- And, uh? – Denice.
Nice to meet you, Denice. Ladies. – Me too. How are you?
My groomsmen. Guys, this is my brother, Connor.
- We’ve heard the stories, man. Oh, okay.
- An honor to be serving with you. – And with you.
It’s “mice” to “neet” you. Damn it, I blew it.
Sorry to break up the bromance, guys, but…
…I need you right here where I can keep my eyes on you.
- Absolutely. – Are we ready?
Yes, sorry, sarge.
Sarge? Are they getting married by a cop?
Sergeant Major Volcom, United States Marine Corps.
I am not a cop.
- Where’d you find this ray of sunshine? He’s Sandra’s dad.
Sarge, this is my brother, Connor. Connor, this is the sarge.
He was ordained right after the war.
Little war called Korea. Perhaps you’ve heard of it, slick?
Lost more men than Nam.
We didn’t get a wall. We didn’t get a movie.
We got a sitcom with Alan Alda which was all nonstop laughs…
…unless you were the one watching his friends die.
The war’s over, Dad. It was a tie.
You know, we should probably try to keep going on schedule.
- Hua. – Hua.
Following the kiss at 1530 hours, on my mark…
…groom will take bride’s left forearm…
…rotate 180 degrees, orienting north by northwest.
Then I will announce you as husband and wife.
Following which…
Following which, you will live happily ever after.
Oh, Daddy.
So sweet. Oh, my God. That is sweet.
- I’m surrounded by huggers. – There we go.
- No, we’re cool, man. – Come on.
Hey, Uncle Wayne.
Ah, the world’s a lot less fun without you in it, buddy.
Oh, no. Oh, no.
No decorations in here. No.
No. No.
And, yes.
No.
- No! Wha?… What did?… What the?… – Something wrong?
I got over 30 scented candles in my room.
- Oh, the wedding scent is lavender. – The wedding scent?
- And people wonder why I’m not married. – Not really.
I mean, seriously, Jenny, my Uncle Wayne is rolling over in his grave right now.
No, come on. Wayne loved a good party.
Party, yes. A wedding? No. Back in the day that man used this place…
…for mind-numbing, clothing-optional, weeklong orgies, okay?
Do you know Dean Martin slept in that bathroom?
He drank from the bidet and sang the Canadian national anthem…
…in Spanish. – In Spanish.
- Yeah, I remember Wayne telling us that. – Yeah. Now that, that was a party. Not this.
You know, people were taking bets on whether or not you’d even show up.
- Miss my kid brother’s wedding? – That’s what I said.
The whole asshole thing you do is to get insecure women to sleep with you.
- Deep down, you’re a big sweetheart. – Oh. Look who’s got me pegged.
And there’s the sarcasm to cover up the accidental display of affection for Paul.
Hey.
I’m not covering anything up.
And I would also be more than happy to take off the rest of my clothes to prove it.
Then there’s the cheap sexual innuendo. All the old Connor Mead tricks are back.
Well, don’t worry, your secret’s safe with me.
I won’t tell anyone you have feelings.
Hua!
Oh, gosh.
- Okay. Yeah, it didn’t work. Still nervous. – Let’s do another one.
- Sandy, what about him? – Dan Palumbo. Married.
Oh. Kids?
What? They’re not really married unless they have kids.
Hua.
- Heard, understood, acknowledged. – Sandy.
Save some liquor for the rest of the guests.
- Bye, Mrs. Mead. – Clean my room, pledge.
Slow down. Slow down.
- Hey. – Here you are, sir.
If you can keep those coming all night. Thank you.
And now we’re off.
- Excuse me, Mr. Mead? – Mm-hm.
I just wanna tell you, I’m a huge fan of your work.
- Thank you. – Gonna photograph your brother’s wedding?
No. No, I’m not a wedding photographer.
Right, but it’s your brother. – Right.
He’s not good at taking pictures of people with their clothes on.
- Look who’s funny. – It’s not his specialty.
- Ah. – Turn your phone off.
Connor Mead.
No, I would not like to cut my quota.
Connor. – Look, just tell him to go screw himself.
- Yeah, I said, tell him to go screw himself. – Hey.
Like when a man and a woman… I gotta go. Gotta go.